


Bad Days

by Fanatic_weirdo



Series: Lightwood-Bane Family [21]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec is a good dad, Depression, I've never had depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Magnus is a good pops, References to Depression, Sad Rafael, Triggers, and my best friend, but my mom has, in the past, mags and alec were suicidal, they use it to comfort, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-07-13 17:09:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16022288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanatic_weirdo/pseuds/Fanatic_weirdo
Summary: Alec and Magnus have had to deal with depression all their lives and unfortunately Rafael takes after them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not suffer from depression. My mom and bff do/have and so I have witnessed it. I grew up with it and now see it often in my friend. That being said anything Rafael or his fathers say that you feel is super wrong, please don't be afraid to let me know!

Rafael wasn’t a dark kid. He was solemn and quiet, brought out of his shell by his fathers, brother and Chris. They attributed his temperament to his first five years, and they were probably right, but even when he got older and opened up to them about so many things, he never told them just how sad he was. Perhaps turning 13 and hormones starting to rage and change that caused the imbalance in his brain to really start. Both Magnus and Alec saw the signs, mirrored in themselves: how somedays he couldn’t bring himself to eat, and, sometimes, when getting out of bed he had to hype himself up to get up. 

So one morning, when Magnus was getting the boys ready to leave, he realized that Rafael hadn’t gotten out of bed yet. Normally, he was fairly independent, but still, sometimes Magnus peeking his head in with a rendition of “Good Morning” from Singing on the Rain was needed to do the trick. Looked like today was one of those days. Magnus cracked open the door and started singing, but then paused. Rafael hadn’t even groaned; he’d merely hummed quietly and dug deeper into his comforter. 

Worry flooded Magnus as even sick Rafael was never one to just wallow in bed. He checked his son’s forehead and felt no fever. Rafael didn’t even acknowledge him.

“Rafe,” he whispered softly near his son’s ear. Rafael hummed quietly and his eyes opened just a sliver. 

“Please, Papa, I can’t get up today,” Rafael said softly. 

Magnus saw the bags under his eyes and the weariness in the curve of his frown and Magnus knew. He could feel it. Rafael was having a ‘bad day’. It’s what he and Alec called their days when getting out of bed was an impossible feat, when it felt like the world was pressed down on you and sleep until death took you seemed like the better option. He wished his son did not have their inclination, but he did, and they would help him however he wanted to accept help. 

“Okay, sweetheart, I’ll come check on you later,” Magnus promised, kissing his cheek, pressing against the skin for several moments. “I love you, Rafael,” Magnus stated, brushing the hair out of his brown eyes. Rafael sighed long and deep, his body aching at the action, as if breathing was too much effort. 

“Love you,” he whispered as he laid heavier into the mattress and fell back asleep easily. Too easily for the active 13 year old he was. Magnus closed his eyes for a moment, trying to will this burden away from his child. He opened his eyes to find Rafael still depressed, still trying to sleep off a feeling that would always nag in the back of his mind. 

Magnus inhaled and stepped out of the room and smiled at Max who was looking at Rafael’s door.

“What’s wrong with, Rafe,” Max asked nervously. Magnus shook his head and motioned to Max’s breakfast.

“I didn’t use an entire finger snap for you to waste that, young man.” 

It did the trick as Max rolled his eyes and continued eating. Magnus knew they’d have to tell Max what was wrong, but not that morning, not right then. After Max was out of the apartment, Magnus sent Alexander a text to Call ASAP. He knew that would get his husband attention if he wasn’t on patrol, and sure enough, barely 10 seconds past before his phone rang in his hand. 

“Hello, Darling,” Magnus greeted him, knowing he sounded tired. 

“What’s wrong? Are you and the boys okay,” Alec asked, correctly assuming a text like that would mean it was to do with his family. 

“We’re all okay, but,” Magnus sighed, “I’m afraid Rafael is having a bad day and won’t make it to work today,” he explained. There was a moment of silence from the other end of the phone before he heard shuffling and a quiet ‘fuck’ before a shaky inhale.

“This damn trial. Okay let me get it postponed. I’ll be home as soon as I can,” Alec claimed. 

“Well, actually I was going to let him sleep until at least lunch, so if the trial is in the morning and you think you can be out by 12:30ish…” Magnus claimed. 

He heard Alec grumble thoughtfully before he agreed. “Yeah, okay, I can be there by 12:30. He’s just sleeping,” Alec asked, concern flooding his voice. Alec’s bad days were often accompanied by the attempt to self harm, which always broke Magnus’s heart. Waking up to Alec clawing at his skin or pressing under his finger nails or pulling at his hair was something he didn’t think he’d ever get used to. Still he preferred that to Alec coming home with bloody hands from shooting a bow and arrow for hours on end. 

“Yeah. So far, he just said he couldn’t get up today,” Magnus informed him. Alec sighed heavily and Magnus could see him nod. 

“I’ll be home as soon as I can,” Alec promised. “Max okay?” 

“He knew something was wrong but I think all three of us should be there for that conversation,” Magnus admitted. 

“I agree,” Alec said. There was a heavy silence between them for a few seconds before Alec spoke again. “God I was hoping this wasn’t in the cards for them.” 

“I know, but we know now. And we’ll deal with it like we do most things, together,” Magnus said determinedly. 

“I love you, Babe,” Alec said softly. 

Magnus smiled; no matter what the world tried to throw at them Magnus would be damned if they wouldn’t face it hand in hand, staring it in the eye, daring it to be stronger than them. 

“I love you too,” Magnus replied. 

“Okay, see you around noon,” Alec said as they ended the call. He buried his face in his hands, his elbows at his desk. He had really hoped they’d misread his appetite fluctuations and days of claiming he was tired for ‘no reason’. Depression was a very good reason to be completely exhausted. It took everything out of you, a war inside your head where you were both the enemy and the ally, but really you just wanted the peace negations to begin. 

Alec had suffered with depression all his life, starting when he was around Rafael’s age. There were times when he took nearly an hour to talk himself out of the bed because depression was NOT something Shadowhunters suffered from, that was a weakness. So he turned to causing physical pain so that the emotional pain felt bearable. That was fairly simple really, battling demons and training meant plenty of opportunities to ‘not block fast enough’ or ‘overdo it’ or ‘I just forgot my guard’. He forgot his bow guard a lot, cutting his fingers relentlessly until he couldn’t pull back the arrow because of the blood. He now knew he’d have to watch Rafael for those signs. It was easy for him as his parents never checked. 

The trial ended early, so Alec was at the apartment before noon. Izzy was in charge of the Institute since Jace was on paternity leave for another couple of weeks. He told her unless the Inquisitor herself requested him then there was nothing he was needed for for the rest of the day.

Magnus smiled sadly at him from the doorway of his office having moved there when he’d felt his wards letting his husband in. Alec greeted him with a kiss, long but unheated, merely drawing strength from the other. 

“Any change,” Alec asked. Magnus shook his head and hugged his husband tightly. “Okay, let me change into some comfy clothes and then we ca—” Magnus snapped his fingers and Alec was in sweatpants and a tank top. Alec chuckled lightly and kissed Magnus again. “Thank you,” he murmured. 

Magnus smiled softly and lead him to Rafael’s room, conjuring a green juice that Rafael actually loved into his hands. The teenager had not moved and looked like his limbs weighed 1000 pounds. 

“Oh my boy,” Alec breathed sadly as he approached the bed and brushed his hair out of his face. “Rafa,” Alec said softly, continuing to run his fingers through his hair. Rafael grunted and slowly opened his eyes, finding Alec. It only took him a moment to realize he hadn’t managed to get out of bed that day and his eyes widened in horror. 

“Oh no, I’m so sorry, I’ll get up, I’m u—” 

A gentle but firm hand pressed on his chest, keeping him in place. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Lots of other Shadowhunters can do our job,” Alec claimed, sitting on the bed beside Rafael’s torso. 

“But if someone gets hurt because I wasn’t there then it’ll be my fault and I don’t want—“ Rafael moaned, knowing that he should move but still finding it incredibly difficult, especially with a warm, steady hand running through his hair. 

“It absolutely will not be your fault. You have no control over what happens when you’re not there,” Alec said, repeating words Magnus had said to him. “Can you do me a favor though,” he requested carefully, not wanting to make him think that he would let Alec down if he couldn’t. Rafael nodded as much as he could, causing Alec to smile comforting and kiss his hair. “Can you drink this juice Papa brought you?” 

Alec moved so Rafael could see Magnus who smiled slightly and held up the juice. 

“Is that green juice,” he asked quietly. Both fathers smirked and nodded, and Rafael slowly pushed himself up, holding out his hand for the cup. Magnus handed it to him before going to the other side of the bed and sitting on the side opposite Alec. “It’s so ridiculous that you two have to baby me because I couldn’t get myself together enough to get up,” Rafael grumbled as he drank the juice slowly. 

“Shhh,” Magnus shushed him, “it’s not ridiculous,” he reported. 

Alec nodded before getting in the bed fully, propping himself up against the headboard. 

“You can read all the tumblr posts you want about how it’s normal to feel this way and think these thoughts, but it’s different when you get there and feel like you should be stronger than this stupid disease and you’re just not,” Rafael said, defeated. 

“And you may never be, mijo,” Magnus said kindly. 

Rafael looked taken aback. “What do you mean? You don’t think I can grow out of this,” he asked as if it were the bad habit of nail biting. Alec and Magnus met eyes and Magnus gently took the mostly finished juice and put it on the nightstand. He and Alec moved into a lying position, Rafael on his back, looking from his Dad to his Pops, dread building. 

“We call these our ‘bad days’,” Magnus said softly. Rafael’s eyes widened in surprise. “The days where moving is the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and you just cannot find it in you to fake it.”

“The days where you just want to hurt so you can feel something,” Alec said as he held up his hand and showed faded scars of his not so distant past. Rafael looked at Alec in shock, before slowly holding up his own hand with matching scars and both Alec and Magnus flinched, tears filling their eyes. 

“I thought I was weak,” Rafael said, tears streaming down his face. Alec grabbed his teenager’s hand and kissed it several times, shaking his head as his own tears spilled over. 

“No, you are in no way weak,” Alec’s voice shook in the pain of knowing how much his son had suffered to have those scars.”Depression is a disease, something that chemically alters you and your brain chemicals and having it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you so freaking strong. Every fiber of your being is telling you to give up, to not do things, that you’re worthless, but you get up anyway, you go to work, you come eat breakfast, you take a shower and that is the strongest, bravest thing, I’ve ever seen.” Alec said, determined to make sure his son knew there was absolutely nothing he should be ashamed of. “You could never be weak for battling those thoughts and feelings and living to tell about it. Not everyone does, and that doesn’t make them weak either; it just means they fought as hard as they could for as long as they could before they gave in.” 

Magnus sighed and kissed Rafael’s head. “Both Daddy and I have stood on the top of high things ready to give in, but luckily we both had someone pull us back.” Rafael stared for a moment as if seeing his fathers for the first time. 

“I-I’ve never wanted to-to die,” Rafael stuttered. 

“And Raziel willing it will stay that way,” Alec said. “But if it doesn’t, if those thoughts become louder than us telling you how much we love you and how much we need you, tell us, and we will make ourselves louder, we’ll start you on meds, we’ll get you a therapist, we’ll get you anything you need to keep the demons at bay. You never have to feel ashamed,” Alec promised, all three had tears steadily streaming. 

“Do-do either of you take medicine,” Rafael asked quietly. Both of them nodded, Alec ran his thumb over Rafael’s hand scars, as if trying to erase them. 

“I have a potion we both take when the clouds start rolling in,” Magnus claimed. “It doesn’t always work perfectly. Daddy had taken it the last time he ‘forgot his bow guard,’ so sometimes we take that and we go to our therapist, and if both of those don’t work, like last time, we cuddle in bed, watch funny movies and hold each other until it goes quiet again.” 

“When was that,” Rafael asked, looking at Alec. 

“A couple months ago,” Alec replied, praying that Rafael didn’t put two and two together to realize it was when he’d gotten hurt on a mission and Alec had blamed himself because he’d sent him on a mission that maybe he wasn’t ready for, even though they all knew he was. They all knew Shadowhunters just get hurt sometimes, but it didn’t make it any easier for Alec to watch Magnus pump magic into their unconscious kid. And once he was awake and recovered…Alec slipped. 

“Oh,” Rafael said softly, knowing. He sighed heavily and let the silence fill the room. He would admit it was nice to have his parents on either side, ready to hold him up when he couldn’t do it himself. 

“So what would make you feel better? To lay here and sleep some more, or maybe put in a movie,” Magnus offered, smiling gently, as he pressed a kiss to Rafael’s temple before pulling back. “Hmm?”

“Can I pick the movie,” Rafael asked, making Alec and Magnus laugh affectionately. 

“I guess we can suffer through another musical marathon,” Alec teased. 

“You both love The Producers and you know it!” Rafael said, a smile flickering on his face for the first time in two days. 

“You know once I was partying with Mel Brooks and I—”

“Noooo,” Alec groaned dramatically, playfully swatting Magnus’s arm. “We do not need to hear how you are the inspiration of Roger Dupre again!” 

Rafael chuckled and curled into Magnus’s side. “If you’ll start the movie, I’d love to hear that story again.” 

Magnus smiled and snapped his fingers, the movie playing on the TV they said they’d never put in their kids rooms. 

“Kiss ass,” Alec grumbled as he nudged Rafael who smiled back at him. 

His limbs still felt like they were made of lead, his head was still filled with thoughts of what he didn’t deserve and how he wasn’t good enough, but as Alec turned to face him, holding him from behind while Magnus cocooned him in the front, with Mel Brooks’s music playing in the background, the world felt just a little lighter.


	2. Max wants to fix it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max doesn't understand what is happening with his brother and needs an explanation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So again I don't have depression but my mother and best friend does so this chapter is something I related to as it is more Max wanted to help his brother. Let me know what you think! 
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING! DEPRESSION TALK!

Why hadn’t Rafael come out of his room? Yesterday, when Rafe hadn’t gotten up to go to the Institute, Max thought he must be sick. But now it had been two days, and Max had gotten back home from Catarina’s last night to his brother still in his room. He knew Rafael wasn’t sick because there was no ‘sick day soup’ made by Papa and Magnus and Alec wouldn’t be speaking in hushed tones and avoiding telling Max what was happening if Rafael was just sick. This had to be something bigger, something scarier. 

Rafael was his brother, and he knew he would never keep something important from Max and this felt very important. Magnus and Alec were in their bedroom, talking quietly, expecting Max to be getting ready, but really he was cracking open the door of Rafael’s bedroom.

“Rafie,” he called softly, sticking his head in. His brother let out a sound, his head under his blanket, not moving or grumbling at being awoken, but, instead, he just stayed there. “Rafe,” Max’s voice filled with worry as he walked further into the bedroom. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” 

Max knew Rafael wasn’t angry. He could tell when his brother was mad. Instead he just seemed…defeated. Max approached the lump that was Rafael and sent healing magic over him, searching for what could be ailing him, but not finding anything. Rafael of course felt the magic and poked his head out, a quiet smile curving the corners of his lips. 

“Blue,” Rafael muttered. Max’s eyes snapped to Rafael’s and Max practically flinched at how emotionless they were. They still had the spark that was Rafael, but the lack of feeling behind them sent Max’s stomach into his throat. 

“H-How can I help?” 

There was nothing Max could feel to heal, but something was wrong, that much was clear, it just wasn’t physical. Rafael looked at his brother who looked so worried, ready to do whatever necessary to help Rafael. Rafael knew his brother was one of the gentlest, kindest, most compassionate people ever to walk on the earth, but seeing the 11 year old so distraught at Rafael’s out of character behavior made Rafael feel even more like crap. He couldn’t even fake it so his little brother didn’t have to feel bad. 

He lifted his blankets and scooted over, hinting to Max to get into bed with him. Max didn’t hesitate and climbed in with him, his eyes searching over Rafael’s face for the answer that wasn’t coming from his lips. Rafael smiled as much as he could and ran his fingers through Max’s hair before wrapping his arms around Max’s waist. 

“Don’t worry, Maxie, I’m fine, just—well, it’s complicated,” Rafael admitted. The worst thing Rafael could think of is his little brother thinking less of him, thinking Rafael was weak or pathetic. 

“Dumb it down for me,” Max said. He knew Rafael wasn’t saying it was beyond his understanding. He knew his brother didn’t think he was stupid. He also knew Rafael was not himself in that moment. 

Rafael kissed Max’s forehead. “I think Dad and Pops need to be with me. I don’t think I can tell you on my own,” Rafael admitted. Max pulled back sharply, fear filling his face. “No, no, it’s nothing—I’m not dying or leaving or anything,” Rafael said with a weak chuckle. 

Max sighed and relaxed slightly, but the worry didn’t fully fade. “Just tell me what it is, please,” he begged. 

“Max?” Magnus called from the living room. Rafael looked at the door. He knew Alec and Magnus could come into his room and they could explain, but he didn’t want them to tell Max about him while he was curled up in his bed like a baby. 

“In here, Papa,” Max replied, his hand rubbing up and down Rafael’s arm. Magnus opened the door and both boys saw the sadness and love shining on his face at the sight of his sons. 

“Can we tell him,” Rafael asked. Magnus sighed softly and nodded, approaching the bed and smiling at them, brushing Rafael’s hair back and kissing Max’s. “I’ll come into the living room. Just—just give me a minute,” Rafael said. 

“Can I fix you something to eat? Green juice? Oatmeal?” Rafael shook his head quickly at the thought of something that solid. “Apple juice?” They’d kept him hydrated, but eating was still hard. 

“Yeah, apple juice,” Rafael agreed. 

Magnus nodded, “Okay, I’ll get Dad and we’ll be in the living room when you’re ready.” 

Rafael nodded, smiling as much as he could at Max. “You wanna go with him? I’ll be right behind you.” Max hesitated but decided if Rafael was asking, there was a reason.

“Okay,” Max agreed and got out of the bed, though Magnus had to actually lead him out. Max looked up at Magnus. “It’s serious, isn’t it,” he asked Magnus once they were out of the room. Magnus put his arms around Max’s shoulder and half squeezed it. 

“It’s certainly not a day in the park,” Magnus admitted. Alec watched them as they exited the room, looking for a clue. “Rafael will be out in a second so the four of us can talk,” Magnus tells his husband who nods with a sad smile. 

Rafael knew he had to get up. He knew he had to, had to tell Max what was going on so he didn’t think they were hiding something from him, so the blue boy didn’t worry about his brother. Though his fathers had talked to him yesterday and they’d watched several movie musicals, today felt just as hard. But this was Max. Rafael would do anything for Max. He attempted to push himself up, his body begging him not to, saying he should stay down, to just let the depression win again today. For Max. He was getting up for Max, so Max could know, so he didn’t have to worry. 

He finally managed to get into a sitting position, his feet on the floor. 

“Okay, now stand up,” he ordered himself quietly. The cloud that hung over his head was angry and gray and he shook his head furiously in an attempt to make it go away. He pushed himself up, his breath huffing out of his lungs as he slipped his shoes on. His brain felt fuzzy and heavy, but he took a deep breath and focused his thoughts on the blue Warlock he’d do anything for and stepped out into the living room.

Max was sitting on the couch, staring at Rafael’s door. Alec was saying something to Magnus but cut himself off when Rafael came into view. His fathers both smiled at him, with no pity, no sympathy, but simply because they were happy to see him, because they loved him. That’s right, stupid brain, you are loved, desperately, by two men who would move the earth for you. 

“Hold your applause, please,” Rafael said, smirking as he walked over to Max. Alec and Magnus chuckled, but Max did not, watching his brother’s movement, his expression, how he seemed to have lead in his shoes and fingers, how his smirk didn’t quite reach his eyes, though it tried. “Maxie, I’m not gonna shatter. Don’t look so scared,” Rafael said as he sat down next to him, though Max still didn’t take his eyes off him. 

“How are you feeling today, Rafa,” Alec asked, kissing his older son’s head.

“About the same, maybe a little better, but not great,” Rafael answered honestly. Alec hums as Magnus hands him a cup of raw apple juice, not the added sugar from concentrate shit when his brain is fucked up enough as it is.

Alec pulled the armchair over so that he was sitting in front of them; Magnus did the same. Alec reached out and used his fingers to move Max’s eyes from boring holes in Rafael’s face. 

“How are you doing,” Alec asked the blue shaded pre-teen. 

“Confused. And scared,” Max admitted, looking at his fathers before letting his eyes fall back onto Rafael. 

“Rafe, do you want to start and we kind of fill in or…” Magnus offered but Rafael shook his head, curling into the couch, as if he wanted it to swallow him. It was his fault Max had to be informed of all this. If it weren’t for him, Alec and Magnus could keep him in the dark, let him believe all his life that they were the unshakable, strong, perfect fathers that they should be seen as. Instead, because of Rafael and his dumb, messed up brain, Max had to learn and he knew the Warlock would now worry and feel guilty because he couldn’t fix this.

“Okay, that’s fine,” Magnus continued. “So Max, have you ever heard the word depression?” 

Wow so they were jumping right in huh?

Max looked away from Rafael to look at his fathers, his eyes narrowing and he nodded. “It’s like, something that… is sad or lame, right?” 

Rafael inadvertently sighed in annoyance, putting Max’s attention back on him. Luckily, Alec reached out and took Max’s hand, making the Warlock look back at his fathers. 

“So people throw that word around to mean a lot of things, you’re right. I’m sure the way you’ve heard it was someone talking about how something was depressing or they were depressed when they were feeling down, right,” Alec asked without judgment or frustration in his voice so Max would know he hadn’t done anything wrong. He nodded and Alec continued. “Yeah, well, depression, real depression, is something much more serious,” Alec explained. Max’s forehead furrowed in confusion, looking from Alec to Magnus then back to Rafael who was pulling at the tassel on the blanket on the couch. 

“Depression is a very serious disease that happens when your brain doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. It makes the brain produce too much of the bad chemicals in our brains and not enough of the good chemicals,” Magnus explained. He knew he couldn’t go into the actual specifics of chemical imbalances with Max because he was 11 and depression was complicated for adults to understand, let alone a child. 

“W-what do you mean,” Max asked, looking more curious than anything. Part of Alec wished they had had more time to discuss this with Rafael before going at this, but he also knew if something was wrong with Rafael, then Max would go to the ends of the earth to fix it.

“It’s something that makes people feel really sad, or not feel anything, or it might put untrue thoughts about how someone is bad or—oh how do I explain this,” Alec said softly. 

“Rafe, you’re depressed?” Max asked, looking at his brother. Rafael nodded and Max’s hand grabbed Rafael’s with near panic in his face. “Why? Can I fix it? Can I try to heal it,” his free hand moved up to Rafael’s head, but Rafael used his own free hand to bring it back down. 

“No, there is no healing it,” Rafael said quietly, “I just have to live with it.” 

That did not set well with Max at all.

“But why can’t you not have it? Do we not make you happy? What can we do better,” Max and Rafael both had tears streaming down their faces at this point, and Magnus was blinking back his own. 

“No, no, sweetheart,” Alec said gently, putting his hand on Max’s knee. Max turned to him, tears streaming and sobs hiccuping in his throat. “It is nothing we did, nothing you did or can do, okay?” He tried to reason but the young warlock just shook his head. 

“Hey, look at me,” Rafael said, sniffling as he wiped his face with his shoulder so he didn’t have to separate his hands from Max’s, “You are the reason I was able to get out of bed today. I—so depression, my depression anyway, because everyone’s is different, it makes me really tired, it makes it really hard to get out of bed and I just want to sleep all day. When I’m depressed I don’t feel anything. I’m not sad, I’m just…meh. And sleeping means I can dream about feelings that I can’t feel when I’m awake. But today, you made me get up. You helped me remember how much you love me, and how I should get up for you.” 

Max looked distraught. His brother had a problem he couldn’t fix. He’d always been able to heal Rafael’s injuries, that’s what he did, he healed. 

“Max, some people have this disease, and there is nothing necessarily bad in their life, nothing that can change to fix it always,” Alec explained. “Now sometimes, that is the case, something bad in someone’s life can cause depression to appear, but they have to already be at risk. Papa, Rafe, and I all have it and that doesn’t mean anything—no baby—” 

Max’s face fell even more and he sobbed out right, falling into Rafael’s arms. Rafael flinched violently and held Max, squeezing him tightly, kissing Max’s hair.

“Maxie, listen to me,” Magnus pleaded, “Angel, we’re all okay, we—”

“You’re NOT okay!!” Max screeched. “You’re all broken and I can’t fix it!” 

Alec and Magnus both winced and Alec grabbed Magnus’s hand. They’d always told each other they weren’t broken, and they knew their son didn’t understand how much his words would hurt, but that didn’t make it easier to hear. 

“Hey!” Rafael bit, holding his brother back to look into his face. “We are not broken. Having depression doesn’t make us broken. No one with any kind of mental illness is. It just means we have to fight a little harder some days. But by the Angel, we will fight for you and each other, no matter what. And Max, our fathers have had depression since before we were born and have they ever failed us? Hurt us? Done anything but taken care of us since the day they brought us in here?” 

Max let out a shaky sigh and shook his head, his eyes flickering over to their parents who had tears streaming down their faces but gave him weak smiles. “No, never,” Max admitted. 

“And they were depressed some of the times. They were having bad days where everything hurt and they still got up and took care of us, put on the best show on earth if they ever felt like I feel, to make sure we never knew they were in pain. So you tell me how that’s broken and I’ll tell you how it’s not,” Rafael said. He didn’t mean to sound so harsh but he already felt broken; he didn’t need his little brother saying the same. 

“No, I—I’m sorry. I didn’t—didn’t mean it like that. I just really don’t like it,” Max said. 

“We don’t either, Maxie,” Magnus said with a hollow ‘ha’. 

Max looked at them going from one person to another before taking a deep breath and asking, “What—how can I help? I know I can’t heal you, but…you’re my family and I wanna help. Please tell me how I can help,” he begged. 

“Well, let’s start with any questions you have about depression or about us with depression,” Alec offered. Max looked at his family. Nothing about them had changed with this information. They were the people he’d always known, but now it felt as if they’d been suffering in silence.

“I—I don’t know. Can you guys tell me? When you’re depressed, I mean? I know I can’t do anything, but…I’d like to know,” Max said softly. 

Magnus and Alec looked at each other. They’d spent their lives pretending they were fine when they weren’t. They’d spent so long hiding this from anyone but each other that they couldn’t help but wonder if they could so easily open up, particularly when they knew it would cause their children worry.

“We will do our best, Max,” Magnus promised after a few moments. 

Max didn’t seem especially thrilled with the compromise, but he nodded. He didn’t know how far to push and how much to give. 

Rafael wrapped his arms around Max’s shoulders. “There is one thing you should never doubt though.” Max leaned his head so that his and Rafael’s heads were touching. “We love you more than anything. Even if our brains tell us we ourselves are not worthy of love, you can never ever doubt that we love you. Because depression has no power whatsoever over our hearts and we love you and each other with all of ours.” Max sobbed and nodded, turning and wrapping his arms around Rafael once again. 

“I love you guys, too,” Max said as he reached out towards his fathers who didn’t hesitate to wrap their arms around both sons, putting their bodies so that they were surrounding them, attempting to protect them as well as they could. Magnus had wrapped himself around Rafael and he could feel how tense his son was, even holding his brother and being held by his parents. 

“Okay, it’s time for you to go to Aunt Cat’s, kiddo,” Alec said, knowing Rafael was on edge. 

“No, I don’t want to. I want to stay here. Please don’t make me go,” Max begged, holding on tighter to Rafael, who in response held him tighter. 

“I’m going to the Institute, Maxie. You can’t fret over me if I’m not here. You should go to training. It’s important,” Rafael said softly. Alec’s head snapped to Rafael before going to Magnus who knew what he was thinking. Rafael was in no headspace to go to work. Max let out a half-whimper-half-grunt of annoyance and worry but sighed and nodded. 

“Anytime you have any questions or concerns, Blue, you can ask, okay,” Magnus said, kissing his navy hair. Max nodded and partly leaned back into Alec. 

Once they separated Max finished getting ready and Rafael went to take a shower, but Alec didn’t leave for work and sent a text to Izzy, telling her he’d be a couple hours late. They got Max through the portal, but only because Rafael playfully pushed him through telling him to tell Catarina he said hi. Once the portal was closed Rafael completely deflated and his face fell and he turned to Alec who pulled him into his arms as the 13 year-old let himself be hugged. 

“No way are you going to the Institute,” Alec said. 

“I know. I just didn’t want Max to worry all day,” Rafael admitted. Alec kissed his hair and pulled back, putting Rafael’s face in both hands, making him look into his eyes. 

“I’m so proud of you, Rafe. You make me insanely proud every day,” the corner of Rafael’s mouth turned up at Alec words and he nodded slightly. 

“How do you do it? How do you go to work feeling like this,” Rafael asked, pressing his face into Alec’s hand. 

“I have been dealing with mine since I was 12. You get used to it. And I didn’t have an option. Gran and Gramps would never have let me stay in bed all day. But I remember how much I wanted to, how just letting my brain not have to spend all its energy on pretending would have felt so much better. I always promised myself if my kids went through anything like this, I would let them do what they needed to feel okay. I know the end might not feel like it’s in sight, but we’ll be here, every step of the way, until it is,” Alec promised. 

Rafael smiled softly, feeling Magnus behind him, hands on his shoulder. “I do feel a little better after the shower,” Rafael admitted. 

“That’s good,” Magnus said gently, “Also if you want to try it, I’ll whip up a smaller dose of the potion Daddy and I take,” he offered. 

“Oh, yeah, I want to try that,” Rafael agreed. Both fathers kissed Rafael’s head and sent him to his room. 

He was on the couch with Chris by the time Max came home. The potion had helped quite a lot. Not fully but making his head less fuzzy and helping the emotions make their way through. 

“You didn’t go to the Institute today, did you” Max said upon seeing his brother. 

Rafael looked up at his brother and sighed softly. “No, I didn’t,” he acknowledged. 

“Okay,” Max nodded and sat down next to them, smiling at Chris, who smiled back. 

“You aren’t mad at me,” Rafael asked. 

Max shook his head as he conjured an icy for himself. “I spent most of the day at Aunt Cat’s researching. I read that while it’s better to not stay in bed all day, that it can be really difficult to get out of bed, especially when you first develop it. Plus given what you do at the Institute having any kind of an imbalance can be really dangerous,” Max stated. 

“Yeah. Papa insisted I go sit in the sun for a while today. It did help a little. I’ll go to work tomorrow and probably stay away from intense training for a while,” Rafael said. 

“Have you eaten? Can I get you something,” Max asked, making Rafael smirk. 

“Have you met Papa? You think he’d let me go without eating at least something?” Max nodded in certainty and conjured a second icy, holding it out to Chris, who took it excitedly. “Hey! What about me?”

“Nope. Sugary food is really bad for depress—” He cut himself off, looking at Chris. 

“It’s okay, he knows.”

“My best friend doesn’t show up two days in a row…you know I’m going to bang on the door until it’s answered,” Chris said with a smile. Max chuckles, putting his drink on the table and pulling his legs up, and laying his head on Rafael’s shoulder. Rafael smiles softly and links their fingers; he had the best little brother in the world. Chris chuckled and reached over and flicked Max’s nose gently.

“Shut up. I’m allowed to worry,” Max grumbled even as he moved closer to Rafael. 

“I know. I just think you’re the sweetest person ever,” Chris stated. Max grunted as if annoyed, but neither Rafael nor Chris missed his smile and blushed cheeks. 

Max was still deeply worried about his brother and fathers, but as Chris curled into Rafael as well, a movie none of them were actually watching on in the background, Max reached the hand that wasn’t hold Rafael’s and grabbed Chris’s and they all sighed in contentment. The world was unpredictable, demons both external and internal raged, but they would always face it together. Not one of them would ever have to face any form of demons on their owns.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like the conversation to be had with Max, let me know!


End file.
